Chapter 10: Nicebottom and Bondage

Harry was immersed in a letter of advice when he looked up to see what Professor LazyArrrs was droning on about. Something about nobody being here. "But I'm here!" said Harry. Professor LazyArrrs paid no attention and wandered off along the corridor to find more non-related work things to do to pass the time. About half an hour later, Professor Nicebottom appeared with a steaming mug of tea that he had just made himself. Harry was amazed. "Is that for me?" he asked, in wonderment. "Yes" said Professor Nicebottom, with a smile that was ever so slightly guilty (so it should be, being the first cup of tea that he had made in The Year of Our Pug 2006) and headed back to his desk.

Harry returned to his advice. It was a very interesting case involving a penguin, a flamethrower, a mad badger and an argument over a large bag of marshmallows. He decided that this complicated set of facts required the input of Professor Google, given that she had spent half of her training contract being supervised by a mad badger and knew all about how to handle them.
"Make them cups of tea Harry! Works every ti- HARRY - is that what I think it is? Did Professor Nicebottom make that cup of tea for you??"

"err, yes" replied Harry, "why?"

"Why, because that cup of tea is so rare that it is in fact a portkey Harry, a portkey that will transport you to Peking for an audience with Frank The Merciful! Nicebottom must need the assistance of the Great Pug..."

Peering into the mug, Harry and Google spotted what looked like a very small dominatrix trapped inside a fairtrade teabag, furiously waving a minature version of a very thick credit control report. Google went slightly pale.

"You must act very quickly Harry. We need to free and re-size Anastasia Bondage and modify her memory. I think Nicebottom was sending her to Frank the Merciful to be chewed up! He would never treat his credit control report with such contempt! What on earth has possessed Nicebottom?! - or worse, who?"

At the foot of the large multipack of Clipper Teabags, a minature Professor Nicebottom was wondering how on earth he had ended up in there. All he remembered was the sound of Professor LazyArrrs approaching, the crack of a wand and an evil cackle.....

Chapter 9: The Order Of The Pug

"Gosh," said Harry. I am all burned out this term!"

" That's because you are in the Order of the Phoenix Harry. And they are renowned for burning out before their time, " Said professor Google. " Don't worry though because you will soon get a new burst of energy. That's just the way of the Phoenix. Take Nicebottom. He's pitched for new business twice this year and as for Professor Whims well he's really on a roll. No stopping him and he still gets time to enrich our dull lives with lectures on the insolvency handbook. Indeed, it is a little known fact that the handbook is used by all Phoenix members. You read a chapter or two, soak in the Knowledge and then boom! Not able to take anymore and losing the will to live you explode into a shower of flames until the next time."

" I see, " said Harry. " I found this yesterday professor, right next to your chair. It took some finding though as your desk is full of old parchments and nonsense spells. I don't know how you do it." Google frowned but knew Harry was right.

Harry pulled a scroll from under his tunic and emblazoned on the front, in capital letters it read " The Limitation Case Plan Incantation.... By Clariol Raweena. The Order of the the Pug". Google looked shocked and Harry wondered what it was all about. There was a loud cracking noise from the far end of the library.

" Oh crikey," said Harry. " Nicebottom has exploded again. It must be the 60 page credit control Howler he received. That Anastasia Bondage really gets him down you know".

"Really," said Google. " Enough of that. Professor Bondage is only following the partnership faculties instructions so have a little more respect Harry.. Besides, I think you will find Professor Nicebottom had a Vindaloo last night which is suicide for a member of the Order of the Phoenix." Right then a very nasty smell greeted them both and Google literally turned green. " see I told you Harry. The Vindaloo with a touch of Naan I think. Peshwena by the odour if I am not mistaken!"

So what is the Order of the Pug Professor?" asked Harry.

"Oh please don't ask Harry. It is ancient and lost in history. Only a few of us remain. It is powerful and steeped in controversy. It used to be called the order of the Platex until they were all burned. Its members have to be female and its symbol is the sacred speaking Pug of Peking aka Frank the Merciful. But no more will I speak of this today Harry. You are the only male to possess any knowledge of this secret Order and I can tell you no more. Unless...... well unless you can persuade Professor Nicebottom to make tea for the rest of the term."

Harry knew what an impossible task that would be, and left the matter there. For now......