Chapter 2: Thursday at Hogfarts
Slightly the worse for wear, with sore knees and a vague memory of once again having to help Drew Dumbledore search the floor of the pub for his missing contact lenses, Harry found himself once again sat at his desk and wondering, as we all do sometimes, how on earth he got there.
Thursday morning was turning out well. Professor Google’s desk was uncharacteristically tidy, Professor Simon Roberts had not yet graced the office with his presence and Professor Nicebottom was in cheery good form. Barbara Huffanfuss sat at her desk looking a little green around the gills.
"Ah hed mah nahce vet of wahn last naht and nah ah am suffering so Sahmon hed jast better not git on the wrong sahd of me today or ah will be forced to till him where to stick his saarcal helmit – sahdways!" warned Barbara, venomously.
"Sorry I’m late chaps!" said Professor Roberts, when he eventually arrived at 9.01am. "My stepson got stuck up the chimney when he was giving it the usual 5am clean. I’m definitely going to have to cut his rations of gruel, the fat little bugger. I just can’t have him making me late for work, ha ha." With that, Simon headed off to the kettle to make himself a coffee.
Professor Nicebottom, sensing an opportunity for mischief, followed him and in low, serious tones, explained that Professor Huffanfuss seemed to be a little short on work that day and that she had asked Professor Nicebottom to ask Professor Roberts for something substantial to do. Professor Nicebottom explained that Barbara seemed to have been looking wistfully at Simon’s filing cabinet. "I think Barbara would dearly love to reorganise your filing system this morning Simon", he said, "She just can’t find the words to tell you".
Simon’s face lit up. "Splendid!!" he cried, "I’ll get all of my files out and chuck them all over the floor – she’ll love it!" At the thought of Professor Huffanfuss loving it, Simon thrust his pelvis forward and strutted, coffee in hand, back to his desk.
By lunchtime, the office seemed strangely quiet. Professor Roberts had disappeared. According to Professor Huffanfuss, the professor was at the Accident and Emergency Department of St Mungos having a large semi-circular object removed from a sensitive place. "Along wuth at least fahv of those bluddy lever ahrch files the arsewaap thought he could jast dump on mah disk" she added with a satisfied glint in her eye. Everyone (except for Professor Nicebottom, who had not quite recovered the power of speech because he was laughing so much) agreed that although it was well known throughout the department that Professor Roberts was an arsehole, this was pretty impressive capacity even for him.
Something else was missing. Something, or rather someone, very loud. Professor Google realised that the reason she could hear herself think today was because Professor Roberts's protegy, Draco 'Like in this job, I like know the law like' Malfoy was not there to hold any long, loud, conversations with his clients telling them all about his extensive knowledge of the law. "He disappeared in a cloud of aftershave yesterday at about 5pm", explained Professor Nicebottom. "I had to use the bubble spell to enable me to breathe for ten minutes afterwards. Sphinx ‘Piss’ for Men certainly is an acquired taste".
Professor Google noticed that Professor Nicebottom was looking suspiciously pleased with himself as he said this. "What are you up to?" she asked.
Professor Nicebottom explained that he had just worked out how to set up a Smugger Spell. According to Magic Society regulations, Smuggers can only be sent to exceptionally stupid wizards. They're a sort of cross between a reminder on Outlook and a Howler. What happens is you cast the Smugger to go off at unexpected intervals when the recipient is sat at their computer. The computer is enchanted to capture and reflect an image of the recipient’s face when the Smugger goes off. The Smugger itself is a recording of the wizard who has had to deal with the recipient’s stupidity conveying a special message to the recipient who can’t turn it off until the sender feels that they have suffered enough.
Professor Google was impressed. Usually Professor Nicebottom struggled to send an email, let alone anything as complicated as a Smugger.
"I’m just about to record one now to send to Marcus Floppynob at Shit Law. Do you want to help?"
"Oh, yes please" replied Professor Google, who had been thoroughly annoyed at Floppynob's behaviour "and let’s give Harry the chance to see how it's done. We know he spent most of his corporate seat indexing Adam Weasley's Company Law Handbook, squaring bibles for Hermione and searching for Drew Dumbledore's contact lenses, so we should get him involved in something interesting or he might not think litigation is as exciting as corporate".
Professor Nicebottom agreed that this was a good plan and would help soften the blow of the trial bundle he was going to ask Harry to prepare for him next week (25 lever arch files containing 700 separate subdivisions x 5 copies).
Harry, Professor Nicebottom and Professor Google were just about to start the Smugging when suddenly Professor Chav apparated into Meeting Room 3. Professor Chav had just learnt to apparate and was apparating and disapparating all over the building. Most recently though, it had all gone horribly wrong when he landed in the middle of a marketing talk by Professor Porky Landing. "I just had to get out of there", he said, breathlessly. "Professor Porky was going on and on about how right he has been his entire life, how much money he's got, how the sound of his own voice is like beautiful music to his ears and how if we only work 200 hours per day we could be just like him. I could see that Hermione was about to tell me that I had to work all weekend, but I can't, there's a Burberry knock-off sale down at the market on Saturday and I've just got to be there so I came up here to hide"
"Well alright then Chav", said Professor Nicebottom, "you can hide in here for a while. But I'm off to Butlins again the weekend for the Annual Superted Lookalike Convention after next so you can get me a nice sunhat to wear from the market."
Harry, Professors Nicebottom, Chav and Google then spent a happy few minutes setting the Smugger Spell to yell "FUCKWIT!!!" at Marcus Floppynob, at ten minute intervals along with a brief image of the four of them giving vigorous one and two finger salutes. Harry, new in seat and not particularly well acquainted with Floppynob’s quite exceptional stupidity, imagined Hermione reprimanding him for not achieving perfect 90 degree angles on her bibles and found that he was able to shout and gesticulate just as enthusiastically as Professors Nicebottom and Google. Professor Chav thought of the time that he had been forced to pay over the odds for a pair of fake-Burberry pyjamas. "I could have bought a fake Gucci watch with that £2.50" he thought angrily and yelled so loudly that he had to go home early with a sore throat.
Once the Smugger was finished, Professor Nicebottom sent it off to Floppynob with a gleeful wave of his wand....
Thursday morning was turning out well. Professor Google’s desk was uncharacteristically tidy, Professor Simon Roberts had not yet graced the office with his presence and Professor Nicebottom was in cheery good form. Barbara Huffanfuss sat at her desk looking a little green around the gills.
"Ah hed mah nahce vet of wahn last naht and nah ah am suffering so Sahmon hed jast better not git on the wrong sahd of me today or ah will be forced to till him where to stick his saarcal helmit – sahdways!" warned Barbara, venomously.
"Sorry I’m late chaps!" said Professor Roberts, when he eventually arrived at 9.01am. "My stepson got stuck up the chimney when he was giving it the usual 5am clean. I’m definitely going to have to cut his rations of gruel, the fat little bugger. I just can’t have him making me late for work, ha ha." With that, Simon headed off to the kettle to make himself a coffee.
Professor Nicebottom, sensing an opportunity for mischief, followed him and in low, serious tones, explained that Professor Huffanfuss seemed to be a little short on work that day and that she had asked Professor Nicebottom to ask Professor Roberts for something substantial to do. Professor Nicebottom explained that Barbara seemed to have been looking wistfully at Simon’s filing cabinet. "I think Barbara would dearly love to reorganise your filing system this morning Simon", he said, "She just can’t find the words to tell you".
Simon’s face lit up. "Splendid!!" he cried, "I’ll get all of my files out and chuck them all over the floor – she’ll love it!" At the thought of Professor Huffanfuss loving it, Simon thrust his pelvis forward and strutted, coffee in hand, back to his desk.
By lunchtime, the office seemed strangely quiet. Professor Roberts had disappeared. According to Professor Huffanfuss, the professor was at the Accident and Emergency Department of St Mungos having a large semi-circular object removed from a sensitive place. "Along wuth at least fahv of those bluddy lever ahrch files the arsewaap thought he could jast dump on mah disk" she added with a satisfied glint in her eye. Everyone (except for Professor Nicebottom, who had not quite recovered the power of speech because he was laughing so much) agreed that although it was well known throughout the department that Professor Roberts was an arsehole, this was pretty impressive capacity even for him.
Something else was missing. Something, or rather someone, very loud. Professor Google realised that the reason she could hear herself think today was because Professor Roberts's protegy, Draco 'Like in this job, I like know the law like' Malfoy was not there to hold any long, loud, conversations with his clients telling them all about his extensive knowledge of the law. "He disappeared in a cloud of aftershave yesterday at about 5pm", explained Professor Nicebottom. "I had to use the bubble spell to enable me to breathe for ten minutes afterwards. Sphinx ‘Piss’ for Men certainly is an acquired taste".
Professor Google noticed that Professor Nicebottom was looking suspiciously pleased with himself as he said this. "What are you up to?" she asked.
Professor Nicebottom explained that he had just worked out how to set up a Smugger Spell. According to Magic Society regulations, Smuggers can only be sent to exceptionally stupid wizards. They're a sort of cross between a reminder on Outlook and a Howler. What happens is you cast the Smugger to go off at unexpected intervals when the recipient is sat at their computer. The computer is enchanted to capture and reflect an image of the recipient’s face when the Smugger goes off. The Smugger itself is a recording of the wizard who has had to deal with the recipient’s stupidity conveying a special message to the recipient who can’t turn it off until the sender feels that they have suffered enough.
Professor Google was impressed. Usually Professor Nicebottom struggled to send an email, let alone anything as complicated as a Smugger.
"I’m just about to record one now to send to Marcus Floppynob at Shit Law. Do you want to help?"
"Oh, yes please" replied Professor Google, who had been thoroughly annoyed at Floppynob's behaviour "and let’s give Harry the chance to see how it's done. We know he spent most of his corporate seat indexing Adam Weasley's Company Law Handbook, squaring bibles for Hermione and searching for Drew Dumbledore's contact lenses, so we should get him involved in something interesting or he might not think litigation is as exciting as corporate".
Professor Nicebottom agreed that this was a good plan and would help soften the blow of the trial bundle he was going to ask Harry to prepare for him next week (25 lever arch files containing 700 separate subdivisions x 5 copies).
Harry, Professor Nicebottom and Professor Google were just about to start the Smugging when suddenly Professor Chav apparated into Meeting Room 3. Professor Chav had just learnt to apparate and was apparating and disapparating all over the building. Most recently though, it had all gone horribly wrong when he landed in the middle of a marketing talk by Professor Porky Landing. "I just had to get out of there", he said, breathlessly. "Professor Porky was going on and on about how right he has been his entire life, how much money he's got, how the sound of his own voice is like beautiful music to his ears and how if we only work 200 hours per day we could be just like him. I could see that Hermione was about to tell me that I had to work all weekend, but I can't, there's a Burberry knock-off sale down at the market on Saturday and I've just got to be there so I came up here to hide"
"Well alright then Chav", said Professor Nicebottom, "you can hide in here for a while. But I'm off to Butlins again the weekend for the Annual Superted Lookalike Convention after next so you can get me a nice sunhat to wear from the market."
Harry, Professors Nicebottom, Chav and Google then spent a happy few minutes setting the Smugger Spell to yell "FUCKWIT!!!" at Marcus Floppynob, at ten minute intervals along with a brief image of the four of them giving vigorous one and two finger salutes. Harry, new in seat and not particularly well acquainted with Floppynob’s quite exceptional stupidity, imagined Hermione reprimanding him for not achieving perfect 90 degree angles on her bibles and found that he was able to shout and gesticulate just as enthusiastically as Professors Nicebottom and Google. Professor Chav thought of the time that he had been forced to pay over the odds for a pair of fake-Burberry pyjamas. "I could have bought a fake Gucci watch with that £2.50" he thought angrily and yelled so loudly that he had to go home early with a sore throat.
Once the Smugger was finished, Professor Nicebottom sent it off to Floppynob with a gleeful wave of his wand....
posted by Professor Google at 10:34 popiet
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