Chapter 8: Day 1023 in the Big Readzkaban Prison

Day 1023 dawned bright and airy. Inside the walls of Readzkaban it was a different, sweatier story. The air conditioning, temperamental at the best of times, had given up the ghost completely. The ghost (Lady Imelda Frostbite) was thoroughly bored of rattling around the pipes and had decided to devote all of her energies to making the third floor smell of wee and rabbit hutch. She was very effective.

Professor Google was delighted. After months of research she had finally worked out how to summon the Pointy Boot Of Pankhurst Past and was ready to unleash it on her unwitting colleagues. Professor Google was the first person in the office that day but she didn't have long to wait.

Professor Roberts was the second person to arrive in the office (in full pinstripe regalia). "Good morning chaps!" he said to Professor Google, "Have you seen the latest update to the Insolvency Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhh..................". His voice tailed off into a cry of anguish. The Pointy Boot Of Pankhurst Past had shot through the air, taken its deadly aim and booted Professor Roberts squarely in the balls.

Professor Google smiled sweetly. "Oh, Professor Roberts, you are funny!" she murmured, "You know full well that I'm not a chap!". Professor Roberts barely heard her because he was rolling around in considerable agony on the office floor.

Just then, Draco Malfoy arrived. "Morning-All-Right?" he said in his usual rhetorical wideboy fashion. "Certainly not" thought Professor Google, who cherished her leftiness. But for the time being she decided to exercise control over the Pointy Boot. Draco noticed that Professor Roberts was in tears and looked to Professor Google for an explanation. "No bananas on the fruit tray this morning" she fibbed, "and Land Registry Direct has crashed".

The post arrived, shortly before Professor Nicebottom usually got out of bed, at about 9.35am.

Draco's post contained lots of settlement cheques. He decided to announce each cheque separately to Professor Roberts, who had just about recovered and was trying to act normally. Professor Google had anticipated this and when Draco approached Professor Roberts' desk with cheques in his hand and an obsequious look on his face, she listened carefully to the following exchange, hand on wand, ready to strike.

"Professor Roberts, I've got a cheque in for £750!"
"GOOD MAN Draco!!"
"And I've got another one for £1,500 Professor Roberts"
"£1,500? Well done, GOOD MAN!!!"
"And Professor Roberts, I wiped my own bottom this morning"
"Wiped YOUR OWN bottom? GOOD MAN!!!"
"And I've got ANOTHER cheque in"
"ANOTHER CHEQUE? GOOD MAN!! What for?"
"Umm, it's for £2.50, it's been returned by the DVLA because I forgot to tell them the vehicle registration but it's still a cheque in!"
"What a SUPERB post tray, EXCELLENT WORK! GOOD MAN DRACO!"
"And Professor Roberts, with regards to marketing, I went to the opening of an envelope last night and with regards to that I did some serious arselicking for the firm and I found out that with regards to envelopes and with regards to clients, lots of envelopes are opened by lots of clients every day all over the world"
"REALLY DRACO? That is marvellous intelligence which I will be sure to pass on to the partners and excellent practice for your TRAINING CONTRACT Draco, GOOD MAN!"

Professor Google could restrain herself no longer, and as Draco sauntered back to his desk and Professor Roberts started to dictate a memo to Draco confirming what a good man he was, she cast two Pointy Boot spells. One Pointy Boot sped towards Draco and the other towards Professor Roberts. Both had been specially sharpened and set for extra kicking.

Professor Nicebottom arrived to find Draco and Professor Roberts rolling around on the office floor screaming with pain. They were doubled up and it looked as though they were being continually kicked in the balls by two very pointy boots. Professor Nicebottom initially thought that the whole team must be being attacked because Professors Google and Huffanfuss were both crying.

Without a second thought for his own safety, plucky Professor Nicebottom yelled "Expecto Patronum!!". A large silver gibbon shot out of his wand and tried to round up the Pointy Boots. Traditional patriarchal protective wizarding spells have no power against RFR* spells, and so the gibbon was only able to chase the Pointy Boots out of the office rather than catch them. On their way out the Boots attacked as many wizards and male muggles as they could, and delivered particularly venomous kicks to the Holy Testicles of Professor Holy J Nigel, who had caught their attention with his mid-life-crisis hair.

"Are you alright dear?" Professor Nicebottom enquired of Professor Huffanfuss. "Yaaaaaahhhhaaaahahahahaaaaa", replied Professor Huffanfuss, controlling herself with difficulty. "Ah'm fahn. Ah giss there mist be a new form of min-flu going around, hey!?"

"How about you Professor Google?" he asked, concerned that Professor Google was shaking and had tears rolling down her cheeks. "I think I'll be okay", gasped Professor Google, "I think I just need a cup of tea to calm my nerves". With that, kindly Professor Nicebottom headed off to the kitchen to make a cup of tea for someone else for only the third time in his life. Bless.

*Righteous Feminist Rage. RFR Spells are second only to the Unforgiveable Curses for sheer viciousness but research has shown that they are consistently well deserved by their recipients